Guide To Better Moshing: Circle Pits

Well well well, looky what we have here. Come crawling back for some more expert advice have we? Here I am thinking that people might mistake such sage wisdom for, I don’t know, some sort of satirical piece. But a little birdy tells me that people actually took note of the mosh lord. Smart babies.

Last week we had a look at the push pit and how we can make it better. I heard some people say push pits shouldn’t be encouraged, hey whatever floats your yachts. However as a back to back bi-yearly moshing champion, I’m just trying to impart wisdom on ALL types of pits, so don’t worry, your time to shine will come.

Let people have fun Derek you nimrod.

Also a courtesy follow up for those wondering if this week is in fact ‘Nanna friendly‘. Last week we discussed push pits telling everyone to take Nanna Beatrice to the next show because it’s that easy. This week. Not so much. Keep Nanna away or risk her getting trampled like Mufasa.

Put on some extra deodorant, stretch them hamstrings, activate your glutes, because we are looking at circle pits baby, try to keep up. 

Pros

Circle pit! Circle pit! CIRCLE. PIIIIIIIIIIT! 

This is how a circle pit is summoned. It’s actually hardwired into every living beings DNA. You can try it with an ant colony. Scream circle pit at the ground and watch them go. Knowing this information it’s a great tool for the frontmen out there to get some crowd interaction.

An obvious upside is the terrific cardiovascular workout you can get from a circle pit. It definitely favours the fast, which in turn makes it a great pit for CrossFitters, Olympians, cokeheads, or any combination of the 3. Imagine having a circle pit of elite athletes. It might actually bring some sort of airflow into the crowd. Even if you’re not too physically capable, the opening in the middle of a circle pit is a good space for some hefty throwdowns! 

Cons

First off, it might not be appropriate for all attire. If you’re wearing a fur coat or some big chunky doc martins, as I usually am, it can be detrimental to your performance in a circle pit. You’re going to want to put on the air max 97s or NMDs. 

It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, as the vigorous cardio required is far too much for many people’s liking. Or even worse, you think you’re a hotshot but then some dickhead (Derek) in a slayer shirt laps you 6 times like he’s racing for the last pair of camo shorts from Jay Jays. Nothing more demoralising.

With the amount of room required to execute a nice circle pit, it might not be appropriate at a heap of smaller gigs, but that’s only if you’re a quitter! Don’t let the walls that confine you hold you back Usain. Exit the venue and do laps of the bar/club and show your elite stamina. 

Also anyone who circle pits has a 100% chance of smelling like a used diaper so for the love of fuck can you please put some Lynx Africa on like a normal fuckwit and carry on my wayward son.

How to improve

Straight off the bat, we could easily improve circle pits  in 5 simple ways.

Number 1. A giant conveyer belt that circles, to help the hefty brethren like myself. We would all look like luggage, but we wouldn’t break a sweat. I know, I’m a pioneer. You don’t become a moshlord without this profound mind.

Number 2. Imagine this. On entry to the venue, you’re handed a sushi platter helmet. Everyone in the circle pit straps the helmets with platters of sushi to their heads. It would be a glorious aggressive sushi train. Once your energy levels begin to deplete, grab yourself some sashimi from the head of a fellow pitter, and away you go again. Why sushi you ask? Sushi has everything you need, carbohydrates, protein, healthy fats. Domo Arigato bitches.

Number 3. Actually maybe what we need is this. Before every show all potential circle pitters will need to partake in a high school beep test. After completion of said beep test you will be allocated a section of the crowd with similar athleticism. No more will pot heads and coke heads run in the same circles (literally).

Number 4. Rollerblades. Fuck me rolling imagine recreating every great 80s disco movie while some straight edge loser on stage shouts at you to kill the person next to you. Fuck off Sam Carter do a shoey ya dingo.

Number 5. Power Slide Circle Pits. So this one requires 6 litres of baby oil and a great deal of trial and error. Lather up the floor like the grubs you are and go on a circular power slide with one another. I’ve got Goosebumps thinking of it. 

We could boycott circle pits until venues start handing out sushi helmets, but I think we should just appreciate our first post-covid gigs before we do. So take this time in quarantine to increase your VO2 max, and blow bands away with our elite circle pitting once we are back.

Same time same place next week. 

Listen to the veronicas. 

We gonna split this place in two. 

See you in Michigan

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