Guide to Better Moshing: Novelty Pits

“Howdy doody partner! Gee wiz, with all this quarantining I’ve been doing, I have just been thinking up ways to make the pit better ya know? Ooh jeepers Ive got it! I’ve been playing UNO with my cat for the entirety of isolation. I think it would be perfect for the pit! Hehe XD rawr”

This would be a perfectly reasonable explanation for one of the few novelty pits we are talking about today, but unfortunately, these nerd magnets were popping up waaaayyyy before the great (shit) quarantine of 2020 so let’s take a look at why these came to be.

I’m trying to rack my brain over the pros and cons of this weeks guide and boy oh boy am I struggling. I truly believe this is “you had to be there” at its finest. So we will take a look at the 2 main culprits of the novelty pits and just give you the better alternatives. 

Row pits

Look, I’m going to be honest with you. 

I actually didn’t know about these a few years ago. That’s right, me. The pit professor, sashimi wet dreamy, reigning undisputed back to back bi-yearly world mosh champion. I was blissfully unaware until a Polaris pit at unify, when all of a sudden I saw tens of people all on their asses rowing invisible boats. 

I was intrigued, so I decided to put my investigative hat on, and went undercover to find the origins of the row pit. Here are my findings.

Many believe that the row pits beginnings start in the pits of Amon Amarth gigs. They’re Swedish, makes sense that the Nordic remnants of their past would find their way into the pits right? 

WRONG.

The first row pit was actually formed in the heavy pits of the village people, in October of 1979 to their hit song “In the Navy”

But my curiosity wasn’t satisfied, I wanted to know specifically who was the person starting them in the pits of unify, and where had they seen it done before. After months of searching I found the gentleman in question, and here are my findings. 

He was actually just tripping on LSD and thought he was in technicolour dingy made of love and outer space noises. Everyone around him saw and joined in. Fascinating.

I’ve decided that this is peak row boat mentality. It can’t be made better. Let us all ride the colourful space love dingys straight to our next festival if you catch my drift.

My only real complaint would simply be the overall stroke game in a row boat pit is laughable. If I get down to partake in this nonsense I’m rowing like I’m in a race with the fucking Black Pearl after I stole all of Jack Sparrows rum. So lift you fucking stroke game Derek ya coward or I’ll karate chop your armpits.

Also Nanna Beatrice can once again no partake in this style of pitting which is disappointing. Not to say Nanna doesn’t have the determination, quite the opposite in fact. Once Nanna sets her mind to something she will not stop until every single person at a festival is on their asses stroking away (yikes). It would honestly take away from the bands. Plus there’s nothing less metal than pausing the pit to help Nanna Beatrice to her feet. Unless you crowdkill her after.

Uno pits

Again I witnessed this pit at a Unify, to the soulful calming tunes of Make Them Suffer. I was actually part of this pit, but not willingly. 

I thought someone was challenging me to a Yu-Gi-Oh duel and immediately pulled out my blue eyes white dragon. I’m always packin heat bro. I laughed in pure disgust when I realised these dorks were just playing Uno. In the pit. So I sent them to the shadow realm. Nerds.

But seriously, If any family game was suitable for a pit it’d be fuckin monopoly because it always ends in a built up display of aggression and the board getting kicked across the room. Crowd killing was created by Hasbro if you think about it.

You just know that people are gonna roll off this thunder and start guess who pits, and scrabble pits, but c’mon guys ‘n’ gals we can be better than this. 

Plenty of better pits to be made. Zingerpit. Maxibonpit. Pulled beef brisket pit. Fucken sushi helmet pits! Get creative bitches.

If Thy Art is Murder are playing this unify coming, I hope CJ burns a pack of Uno cards instead of a bible. 

At the end of the day, a novelty pit is what you make it. They’re a bit of fun I guess, so let’s not take it too seriously. 

Let’s leave that for next week. Because next week we are throwing down. 

See you in Michigan muchachos. Xo

No Comments

Post A Comment