Guide to Better Moshing: Push Pits

We should all strive to be better in life. Maybe you want to get that promotion at work or you’re saving up for a shiny new Suzuki Swift. Nice sentiments…if you’re a poser. I’m talking directly to you right now, be better, set the bar higher. Aim to be a fucking mosh lord. 

Don’t worry that’s where I come in. 

I’ve been moshing from the womb and I’ll mosh till the tomb. I’m the reigning world mosh champ, which is held bi-yearly in Iceland, don’t look it up just trust me. Over the next few weeks, I’ll be your pit professor. By the time the quarantines are lifted, you will all be mosh gods and goddesses. Spectacular.

Think of me like a less intelligent, more sexy, and heavier, (musical taste and on the scales) David Attenborough. Come my students.

Push pits

Let’s kick things off with the bread and butter baby. The ol’ faithful Push pit. Some may call it the gateway drug of moshing. I know it was my first taste of pitting. So easy Nanna could do it. The pit opens up and you just sumo everyone in sight.

With that said Push Pits are also a thinking person’s game, once you finish this article go and watch Zombieland on Netflix. All the rules for surviving Zombieland apply to the mosh pit I promise (don’t quote me).

That being said if you want the become a master like me, we are going to have to look at the positives and negatives. Take notes my babies.

Pros

A huge pro for me is how noob friendly it is. So you’re in luck. I’ll take you from a casual bot to sweaty 360 no scoping lord in no time.

When you first start getting into heavy music, going to your first gig may be daunting, let alone going in the pit. But that’s where the push pit is a winner. So much fun and really not that dangerous. You might see people flailing their arms and legs. Fear not, they’ve been practicing that at home in the mirror, but push pitting don’t need no man. 

All we need is a wall, so every day I want you to charge into your nearest brick wall to toughen yourselves up (drinking hot sauce before hand is optional). If you have an older brother/sister, this is your chance to get back at them for years of torment (fuck you Derek).

But perhaps you’re not a noob, you’re just an old, fattish 29 year old sexy hunk of a mosh lord. It can wear on the body jumping in a circle pit or crowd killing your peasant mates. Not in a push pit. I am always ready to throw down.

Finally, it’s great for any attire. People looking to go in a circle pit usually have to wear their short shorts, jogging shoes and have a Fitbit charged and ready to go. Push pits say NAY! You can wear your civilian clothes. I’ve push pitted in a full tuxedo before, no problem at all (don’t look that up either just trust me).

Cons

When you get something as easy as this, it’s hard to fault it. If anything it’s too easy. So the elitists may try give you shit. But hey that’s fine, you do you girlfrannnn(nnnnn).

However something this easy is bound to attract the meatheads who want to turn a push pit into one massive dick measuring contest. This is why we can’t have nice things Derek. 

Tell me if this scenario rings a bell. You’re at a show and the band playing are heavy, not push pit heavy, throwdown heavy. You see the pit open up for that crushing breakdown and just as you start flailing fucking Derek makes it his personal mission to push you and assert his dominance. My blood boils just thinking about it. Total vibe killer. Fuck you Derek.

So out of respect, if you see a big opening in the middle of a pit and everyone is trying to show off their hoedown throwdown ability. Give them a little room to flail their skinny limbs. It’s cute. 

Also if you see some idiots try to go viral playing a card game in the middle of a pit of any kind. Hit em all with a Draw 4 that you have in your back pocket and tell them to fuck off. Also for emergency purposes everyone must now carry a stack of draw 4 UNO cards in there back pocket. With great power comes great responsibility.

How to improve 

As the king of the pit, I feel it’s my duty to go in and see if we can make push pits even greater. I don’t think it really needs much improving. I mean, apart from the obvious, putting everyone in zorbs or blow up sumo suits. But we gonna need a big ass venue. I guess a low budget version of this would be to shove some pillows in your jumpers. I’m just extrapolating here, but I want to be cushioned up so it’s maximum pushage for everyone. 

You know what. We are doing it. Once Coronavirus is under control and gigs are back, I want everyone to show up in a zorb, inflatable sumo suit, or just strapped like a drug mule trying to cross the border. #makegoodthingsplump2020

Or just every time you push someone, channel your inner Ryu from Street Fighter and scream “HADOUKEN!” Can you imagine a band in the middle of a dirty half beat break down and in the middle of the palm muted guitars all they can hear is hundreds of Hadoukens. LETS MAKE IT HAPPEN.

I don’t want to over feed you with my expertise so I’ll end things here. Push pits are easy. So grab Nanna Beatrice and take her to your next gig.

I want to see you back here next week in tights, and short shorts, and bring your running shoes because we will be taking a look every cardio beast’s favourite. The motherfucking circle pit. 

See you in Michigan. Or next Tuesday. Same same.

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