21 Dec Backbone 100 Countdown (40-31)
The following are the 5 best and 5 worst potato chip flavours.
40. Daybreak ‘Fracture’
#5 BEST – Red Rock Deli Sea Salt & Balsamic Vinegar
Fuck I feel like such a posh twat putting these above other Salt & Vinegar flavours. Despite the insanely wanky name, these fuck hard. People not liking Salt & Vinegar chips is such a red flag, I’ve even heard people complain that there’s too much flavour. What the fuck does that even mean? It’s like saying I don’t like Steve Buscemi because he’s too sexy, dat don’t make no sense cuz. Warriors eat Salt & Vinegar Chips, there’s no better feeling than having cuts and ulcers in your mouth, then shoving these puppies in while Slayer blasts in the background. The pain is immense but the pleasure is unmatched, I’m red rock hard just thinking of these.
39. Father Deer Hands ‘Factory Reset’
#5 WORST – French Fries
Starting off a little controversial we have to address the elephant in the room, French Fries are inconvenient as fuck to eat. You get around 50,000 sticks of potato per packet, and at least 40% of that goes down your couch, never to be seen again. Seriously grab a hand full of French Fries and try and get them all in your mouth at once, more chance of understanding Inception or the lyrics to any deathcore song. The fact that French Fries are always tucked away, almost hidden from the public eye, shows that even those who stock the shelves have no respect for these pin sticks, what a fall from grace.
38. To Octavia ‘The Sound of the Rain’
#4 BEST – Thins Light & Tangy
Some motherfucker once said that eating Light & Tangy chips was a punishment. Too that I ask them to go quietly play marbles on the freeway dickhead cos you wrong as hell. In the ongoing blood feud between Smiths and Thins, this devilish flavour has always given Thins a fighting chance. To think that Light & Tangy has never been replicated shows how unique this marvel of a chip truly is. With all that said I have no earthly idea what the flavour I’m tasting actually is. If I had to guess it would be Tomato and Meth, but I guess that name wouldn’t sell as well, your secrets safe with me Thins.
37. Earth Caller ‘Avarice’
#4 WORST – Cheese & Bacon Balls
Unpopular vegan opinion, bacon is the most overrated meat of all time. Dumb fucks who just blurt out ‘mmm bacon’ must have absolutely no tastebuds. I’ve ended friendships for seeing people bring these packets of sand over to a party. Awful flavour, awful texture, awful people choose to eat these things. The more I think about it, the more I blame the parents. If you see a small child eating Cheese & Bacon Balls, call child services and give that infant immediate CPR to the tune of the BeeGees Stayin Alive.
36. Days Like These ‘High & Glow’
#3 BEST – Mission Chilli & Lime Corn Chips
Since becoming vegan my chip options have taken a noticeable hit, but adversity breeds triumph (definitely not the correct expression), and Mission has become the unlikeliest of heroes. Chilli flavoured anything is usually misleading because 98% of them have the spice level of a Joel Birch Twitter rant (they not very spicy). These are the chips you get when you want to eat that little bit healthier, but still feel like a piece of shit after they’re all gone. Chilli & Lime packs a Tyson like punch, 100% of the time.
35. Deadlights ‘Schedule 1’
#3 WORST – Barbecue
Who in their right mind would opt for this flavour? Barbecue is another example of a flavour that is terrible across the board, with one exception. BBQ Shapes are the absolute kings of the BBQ flavour community, my god do these things fuck. What even is the flavour profile of ‘Barbecue’? Are you trying to mimic the taste of the BBQ itself? The spachelor? IS THIS THE SECRET RECIPE TO THE KRABBY PATTY FORMULA?!?!? Well if it is, I’m going straight to the Chum Bucket because Barbecue flavoured chips can suck my ass.
34. Mirrors ‘Beneath the Sand’
#2 BEST – Smiths Original Crinkle Cut
So we’ve covered the “too much flavour haters”, now it’s time to attack the “2 plain jane 4 my brain” geese. If you say these have no flavour, I assume you have a bubblegum flavoured vape and listen to I Prevail. I wouldn’t be surprised if a couple world wars were stopped because of a bag of these golden beauties. Also, it has to be crinkle cut, if you bring a bag of that Thinly Cut fuckery, you’ll receive a one way ticket to planet pain. Same with those annoying health nuts who bring the 75% less Saturated fat option, take a long walk off a short pier and I’ll see you in hell cunt.
33. Starve ‘Cobra Effect’
#2 WORST – Smiths Cheese and Onion
I’m convinced that anybody who willingly chooses to eat this flavour is a serial killer. The packet looks like piss, it tastes like my foot after running the 10km last week, it’s just a nonsensical flavour. What makes things worse is that some fuck heads will try to be different and say that they’re delicious. I once went to a chip convention (yep, that’s a real thing) and Cheese & Onion got awarded the ‘most underrated chip’ trophy, IT RECEIVED A STANDING FUCKING OVATION! I realised then that this must’ve been some weird suicide cult convention, so I went next door to the flat earth convention because they seemed more sane.
32. Turnstile ‘T.L.C. (TURNSTILE LOVE CONNECTION)’
#1 BEST – Red Rock Deli Lime & Black Pepper
The best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be. I have walked 500 miles and I would walk 500 more for a packet of this potato perfection. Subtle yet flavourful, refreshing yet crunchy, I will die on the hill that Lime & Black Pepper is the best flavour in all of the land. At the end of the day, all the other flavours arms were just too short to box with god (cheeky CM Punk reference). Now go my children, run to your nearest store, and experience greatness.
31. Void of Vision ‘Hyperdaze’ Up Late Remix
#1 WORST – Any Red Rock Deli Flavour Outside of the 5 Classics
Red Rock Deli have 5 classic flavours, all are pretty great if I’m being honest. But for some reason, Red Rock wanted to create its own Marvel cinematic universe with these uneatable monstrosities. The following are real flavours you can purchase.
Maple Glazed Bacon & Cheddar
Bourbon Glazed Sticky Ribs
Grilled Yakitori Chicken & Shallot
Braised Beef Brisket with Caramelised Onion
Crispy Pork Belly with Apple Sauce
Portuguese Chicken with Lemon & Oregano
I promise you, I did not make those up. Honestly I started crying typing them out, I’m not even sure if it was from laughter or sadness either. No words can describe these things, so I’ll send a message to whoever made these flavours.
I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you’re looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money… but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you remove these chip flavours now, that will be the end of it – I will not look for you, I will not pursue you… but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you… and I will kill you.