Backbone 100 Countdown (60-51)

60. Vengeance ‘Malice’

These are my descriptions of Marvel superheroes, I don’t watch Marvel movies.

Captain America

Having seen the Sam Rami Spider-Man movies growing up, I assume every character is born out of being bitten by something radioactive. With that said, I’m guessing Captain Columbine was bitten by a radioactive Hulk Hogan to gain the power of…..being more murican? What the fuck does this guy do? He has a shield that looks about as useful as a shredded condom. If anything, Captain America gives off massive Popeye the Sailor man vibes, instead of spinach he has Weet-Bix. But what if trouble is brewing and he’s all out of milk? You can’t have Weet-Bix without milk…..UNLESS THATS HIS SUPERPOWER! Cracked it.

59. Rumours ‘MANIA’

Blade

Without question the greatest Marvel character ever. The only thing Wesley Snipes is better at than playing Blade is avoiding paying taxes. On the real though, the significance of Blade as a black lead in a comic book movie should never be understated. To think this was 20 years before Black Panther is kinda mind boggling. Omg I just remembered, in Blade Trinity the final scene is Blade laying on a surgical table unconscious. He then opens his eyes and serves up multiple cans of whoop ass to those around him. The funny thing is, Wesley Snipes was so lazy on the set of that movie, that he didn’t even open his eyes and they had to CGI his eyes opening, what a man. Blade 1/2 are both 10/10 movies

58. Fever Shack ‘Got No Hate’

Spiderman

Somebody said if anyone spoils the new Spiderman movie you will win a chance to see Stan Lee. I’m sure people will love me saying that I only know Stan Lee through The Big Bang Theory, is he a big deal or something? Saw the movie last night and as much as I enjoyed it, I’m not sure that having Tom Holland do a 2 hour rendition of the emo Spiderman meme was the correct stylistic choice. Remember in Spiderman 2 when Dr Ock went full on horror movie villain for literally one scene? 

57. Earth Caller ‘Choke’

Antman

Talk about getting the short end of the stick (kill me). Ok, so Hulk turns into Shrek but 10x the size, Spiderman shoots jizz out of his wrist, and Paul Rudd turns into the size of Mikey from The Gloom in the Corner. Mikey told me today to “suck his nut butter” which I must admit is the sickest of burns. Does Antman get respawns like in GTA? I can only imagine how many times he would get accidentally stepped on, I wonder how often Mikey gets stepped on. Maybe Antman could be used for a bank job like in that movie Bank Job. That’s such a weird Jason Statham reference, remember Crank?

56. Onslow ‘Gauze’

Bow & Arrow Man

I’m sure this guy has an actual name, but I could not care less. Unfortunately we live in a world in which Legolas exists, so this guy was doomed from the start. You gotta understand that Legolas racked up a whopping 42 kills in The Battle of Helms Deep. Even more impressive, he did this without using any of his killstreaks. No predator missile, no chopper gunner, looking back now, he should’ve just nuked the battlefield, but Legolas has too much honour. I bet that fuckhead Bow & Arrow Man would’ve nuked the place and killed our beloved Gimli.

55. Knocked Loose ‘Where Light Divides the Holler’

These are my suggestions for characters to be added into the MCU.

Team America

Now, due to the fact that I don’t want to be cancelled, I will not be quoting a single line from this movie. Team America is like Step Family Porn, you know you shouldn’t watch it, but the only thing that could stop you is the giant erection blocking the TV. Team America should join the MCU for one reason, the god damn theme song. Truth be told I have two Spotify accounts, and ‘America, F—k Yeah’ was a runaway winner for my most played song of the year. Number 2 is obviously the theme song from Scrubs #imnosuperman. 

54. Outloved ‘It’s All Hate’

Powerpuff Girls

This is a wild fan theory that I once read. So the story goes, Professor Utonium mixed sugar, 12 secret herbs and spices, everything nice & the dreaded Chemical X to create Bubbles Blossom and Buttercup. The fan theory goes that Professor Utonium was a meth head and Chemical X actually killed the Powerpuff Girls. All the episodes we see are just visions that the Professor sees as he’s in a psyche ward. Then the theory goes off the rails and Professor Utonium becomes the Joker blah blah blah kill the Batman blah blah blah. I say that as if the theory was completely rational beforehand. Also Mojo Jojo is a top 10 villain of all time, fight me. 

53. Spiritbox ‘Hurt You’

Plankton

Grit, determination, and a desperate persistence to win, every team needs a Plankton. This man has worked day in day out for decades trying to acquire the Krabby Patty formula, imagine what he could do for the MCU. My Marvel friend continuously complains about the lack of good villains within the MCU, Plankton changes that. Remember how the Spongebob movie was all giggles and goobers, then Plankton pressed a button and everyone turned into zombies? I don’t even remember if the Krabby Patty formula had anything to do with it, he’s just evil for the fuck of it. 

52. Turnstile ‘Mystery’

Patrick Star

Now, people are going to critique this choice, but it’s a no brainer when you think about it. Yes I understand that mayonnaise is not an instrument, but honestly, I didn’t know that when I first watched that episode. Patrick Star is willing to ask the hard hitting questions and we need that energy in the MCU. Furthermore your honour, Patrick once won a snail race using a fucking rock! Not Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, but an inanimate object, so he’s clearly a wizard or some shit. Finally he has the best verse on ‘The Campfire Song Song’ and that’s a song with 3 stellar verses.

51. Ovtsider ‘Decay’

The Fairly OddParents 

I love how chaotic Cosmo is. Timmy will be moments away from being beheaded, and Cosmo will be practising the xylophone while a WatchMojo video plays in the background. Welcome to WatchMojo, and today we will counting down the top 10 ways that you can and fuck your own face. Random Tropic Thunder reference for you, that’s a cool movie, Ben Stillers commitment is honestly unparalleled. Actually while we’re adding characters to the MCU, add Dinkleberg to the villains and he will be the most hated man in the world. Fuckin Dinkleberg


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